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Toddlers
Some
tips for parenting toddlers & preschoolers
Some resources & links
Hitting
toddlers makes no sense. At this age, children are too young
to be responsible or “guilty” for misbehaving. Their behavior
may be aggravating, but you must remember this: because
these youngest children depend on their parents and loved
ones for their very survival and safety, it’s especially
frightening and confusing when they are hurt physically
and emotionally by them. To them we are huge in size, and
become truly monsters when angry and violent. By striking
them we teach them that it’s acceptable to use force on
another person, a lesson they will likely follow later with
their own children.
The
very behavior we disapprove of may be their attempt to communicate.
Acting badly and negatively may really mean that the child
wants more independence (a natural development at this age),
or is angry about something else in her life, maybe jealousy
of a brother or sister, or the frustration of not having
the skill to do something.
One
source of conflict with young children may be our assumption
that they understand more than they actually do. Their exploring
and experimenting with new things may make us think they
are purposely being naughty or destructive. When they pull
the dog’s tail, maybe they just want to see if it’s stuck
on or removable!
It’s
best to try and stay calm and find out what our child is
trying to say. We should explain why her actions are not
acceptable. Sometimes we are in a hurry, and it seems foolish
to use up precious time to explain to a small child why
she should obey us. But it’s not a waste of time. It’s a
worthwhile and constructive investment in teaching your
child how people should interact - reasonably and thoughtfully.
So you may be running five minutes late, but what’s more
important?
In
a straightforward situation, such as not sharing a toy or
insisting on unacceptable television, distraction is good
policy. Substitute another toy, encourage sharing with the
other child, find a better TV show, go to another room and
play a game. Toddlers can be guided out of a temporary preoccupation.
If she just won’t stop for anything, use “time-out”. Remove
her to a quiet (no TV) neutral space, e.g. her bedroom or
corner of the playroom (no toys). Ask her to be quiet and
thoughtful for a couple of minutes, and then let her come
back. Always make sure that she understands that you still
love her, and are trying to help her learn to behave well.
She should understand that you are concerned about her behavior,
but that you are not rejecting her.
The
above information is an excerpt from "Parenting Through
All the Ages and Stages" (2000), a Massachusetts Citizens
for Children publication.
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Some
Tips for Parenting Toddlers & Preschoolers
from the Center for Effective Discipline
Toddlers:
Focus on safety.
A
safe environment prevents problems and helps make living
with an active toddler less stressful. Toddlers have a short
attention span and do not plan their behavior. They do not
learn from being spanked or yelled at. Such punishment breaks
the trust that young children have in parents and caretakers.
For
example, child-proof your home by covering electrical
outlets, storing breakable and dangerous chemicals and
medicines in safe places, and providing a fenced-in yard.
Children
should not be spanked when they touch or explore dangerous
objects or run toward the street. The should be removed
immediately from the situation and safety measures should
be taken to avoid future problems.
Distracting
or Redirecting
For example, if a toddler is banging on the wall with
a block making marks, try singing or showing him a book
you will read (distracting) or try handing the child a
soft toy for banging on the floor (redirecting).
Yelling
and spanking, and even reasoning, do not work. Yelling
and spanking may stop the child momentarily but it will
not teach him new behavior, and it will probably make
the parent/caretaker feel bad. Explaining why he shouldn't
bang on the wall won't have much effect in the future,
as he probably won't remember or understand your explanation.
Your job is simply to get him to stop right now, and distracting
and redirecting usually work well. Young children have
short attention spans, and turn easily to new interesting
happenings.
Establish
Routines
Establish consistent routines for eating, playing, napping,
and bedtime, for example. Give children some warning of
the activity that is coming, such as "It's six o'clock.
Time for dinner."
Do
not let each day dictate what the child needs or make
the child's schedule fit the adults' schedules each day.
A consistent routine helps children get their basic needs
taken care of, helps them learn how to pace themselves,
and helps prevent discipline problems.
Preschoolers:
Ignore bothersome behavior
Bothersome behavior, such as whining and crankiness,
if it is not hurting himself or others, can often be eliminated
by ignoring it. Threatening your child, arguing, nagging
or spanking ususally serve only to increase the bothersome
behavior, not curb it. For example, if your child is whining,
calmly remind him "I cannot hear what you are saying
when you whine. I can only understand when you speak in
a quiet voice." and then ignore any further whining.
It is important to be consistent.
Praise
your child
Praise works well to increase the behavior we want to
see more of. Tell your child "What a clean room!"
when the toys are picked up, or "What a beautiful
picture. Tell me how you did that!"
Time
Out
A cooling-off period allows the parent to calm down and
the child to stop and think. Parents and caregivers should
follow up the time out by talking briefly about the misbehavior
and what behavior is expected in the future. For example,
if a child hits her sister with a toy, remove her to a
private place for no longer than five minutes. Do not
spank, yell, threaten or nag. When she and you are both
calm, say to her "It's not OK to hit your sister.
Next time you need to ask her to play with her toy."
Talking
and Problem-solving
We want children to learn how to solve their own problems
and to prevent future discipline problems that we have
to deal with. Children don't often understand their misbehavior.
You can help them think about alternatives and practice
correct behavior.
For
example, two preschoolers are fighting over a toy. The
parent/caretaker has them both sit on chairs facing one
another and puts the toy on the floor. When each is calm,
the parent/caretaker explains the problem, asks each to
say what happened without interruptions, and then asks
each what could be done so each would have a chance to
play with the toy. They take a few minutes each and a
timer is set with the amount of time each gets to play
with the toy. This would work better than taking the toy
from both children, nagging at them to stop fighting,
or sending home the visiting child.
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Some
Resources & Links:
Parents
Helping Parents offers free and ongoing self-help groups
to support families and prevent child abuse. Groups meet
throughout Massachusetts and are open to all parents. Also
runs a 9AM-5PM hotline for parents 1-800-882-1250.
Some
parenting tips from Parents Anonymous
www.iamyourchild.org
for parenting tips, expert advice, child development information,
safety tips, advice for selecting child care, early childhood
resources in your state, and more.
"How
can I teach my toddler not to talk back?" at www.babycenter.com
"Parenting
Styles/Children's Temperaments: The Match" on parenting
styles for raising good kids, at www.aboutourkids.org
"About
Discipline - Helping Children Develop Self-Control"
at www.aboutourkids.org
My
Life Path: Children's Health - questions and answers,
health news, health, safety, development, parenting issues,
and much more, for parents of young children through teenagers,
from Blue Shield of CA.
Learn
about effective
discipline, without corporal punishment & spanking,
and why spanking doesn't work, at the Center for Effective
Discipline web site, www.stophitting.com
Toddler
Safety tips and resources from the National SAFE KIDS
Campaign.
"Building
Your Baby's Brain: A Parent's Guide to the First Five Years"
at www.teachingstrategies.com
New
Baby Sibling: What's a Parent to Do? on easing sibling
rivalry upon the arrival of your new baby, at www.aboutourkids.org
Resources
& articles for parents of toddlers, from Toddlers
Today.
Expert
Q & A for parents of toddlers, from Toddlers Today
Resources
& articles for parents of preschoolers, from Preschoolers
Today.
Expert
Q & A for parents of preschoolers, from Preschoolers
Today
Parenting
Tips related to school from www.aboutourkids.org
Parenting
Tips related to emotions from www.aboutourkids.org
Parenting
Tips related to development from www.aboutourkids.org
Parenting
Tips related to behavior from www.aboutourkids.org
Parenting
Tips related to social skills from www.aboutourkids.org
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