How
to Talk to Children
about Sexual Abuse
Won't
I scare my children unnecessarily by talking about sexual
abuse?
Not if you realize that teaching your children about sexual
abuse is as important as any other rule of health and
safety, and approach it that way. You don't worry about
scaring your children when cautioning them to be careful
of cars, for example, but you do explain that cars can
be dangerous, and that there are safety rules to protect
children. You can bring the subject of sexual abuse into
daily life and make it part of ongoing talks with your
children about safety, rather than presenting it as a
one-time-only lecture on an unnatural subject.
Okay,
but how can I talk about sexual abuse?
By becoming acquainted with these basic facts yourself,
you will be able to teach them to your children in your
own way and in your own words.
Children
need to know that:
- Their bodies belong to them and no one has the
right to touch them without permission. Children
have traditionally been taught to comply with adults'
requests, but they need to know that, regarding touching,
they have the right to say NO, even if the touch seems
accidental or even if the person touching is a relative
or trusted adult. Obviously, children need to know
the names of parts of their bodies, whether the words
are the correct words or euphemisms used among the
family. One way to explain private parts is to say
that they are the parts of the body covered by a swim
suit.
- There
are different kinds of touching. Talk about touch
that feels good (hugs, comforting), touch that feels
bad (hitting, pinching), and touch that makes children
feel "funny" or uncomfortable or scared, or that gives
them a feeling of "uh-oh." For example, discuss what
reaction they might have if someone touched their
private parts, made a request that seemed odd, or
"accidentally" touched them.
- They
can trust their feelings about kinds of touching and
always ask a trusted adult if they're not sure.
Most children, even young ones, can tell when another
person's touch or request or behavior makes them feel
scared or "funny" or uncomfortable. They need to be
encouraged to trust those feelings so that they can
recognize behavior that can lead to sexual abuse.
It may be helpful to play a "what if" game with children
to clarify their feelings and practice ways to deal
with a situation. For example, you can say "What if
someone put his hand on your bottom?" Children can
think about what their reaction might be and can talk
about what they could do about it (for example, say
"I don't like that!" and run away and tell someone).
- They
can tell their parents or a trusted adult about anyone
whose behavior makes them uncomfortable or who
touches their private parts or who asks them to touch
someone else's private parts; and that they will be
listened to. Children must be free to ask about adult
behavior that confuses them, even when it is behavior
not related to sexual abuse. For example, the child
who is told not to ask about Aunt Sue's whiskers learns
also not to ask why Uncle Steve wants her to sit on
his lap when he's alone with her.
- Being
asked to keep an unpleasant secret may mean danger
of sexual abuse. If there is one central clue
to the possible or actual sexual abuse of your child
it is the child's withdrawal into secrecy. No adult
or older child has the right to ask or tell your child
to keep an unpleasant secret. Explain to your child
the difference between a good secret and a bad secret.
A good secret is something pleasant and fun and exciting
when it is later shared with others-for example, a
surprise birthday party, or when Daddy secretly brought
the puppy home. But a bad secret feels like a burden,
it doesn't make a person feel good, and it is intended
never to be shared with others. Your child can say,
"No! My family doesn't allow bad secrets."
From
"Talking About Child Sexual Abuse," by Cornelia
Spelman
©1985 Prevent Child Abuse America.
All
rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.
For a complete
brochure, contact Prevent Child Abuse America, 800-CHILDREN.
